A healing journey

I am in art therapy, for my war trauma. I use War trauma  instead of PTSD, because of all the connotations that people have when they hear about PTSD... but I don't want to be defined by a label like that. Ironic because, I become this hermit, and avoid life during the hard months. The anxiety, the Deep Dark places that Depression takes me, panic attacks over small details that I have no control over, then there is the empty feeling, and feelings of worthlessness as well a guilt. HAHA-fun right.... Wrong.. Today I went back to bed once I got one of my kids on the bus, the other has been gross and vomiting for the last 4 days, (* Gross stomach bug), I made sure she was ok, had some Tylenol for her low grade fever, made her some toast, and hot tea with honey,  she already knew how to use the tv remote.. and I went to bed. I was done, exhausted, my lack of energy isnt even an issue, its so much of a nonissue, because those around me know I've already given up for the next 4-6 months anyway. 

Anyway to get back on topic, of why I started this blog when I have countless journals, and notebooks full of my writings... is my art therapist.

While I receive a service connection rating from the VA, i pay for art therapy out of pocket. Mostly because it has been the only way I could express myself when words failed me. I still take my meds, and wow they are always adjusting my meds. I still go to group, and to individual counseling.

I say words fail me, because a few days after my birthday (I shaved 90% of my head on my birthday), I spiraled out and I self-committed myself to the VA Psych ward. I couldnt stop crying. I was scaring my kids, I had used up all emotional reserves, I was stuck in fight/flight/freeze.. I only wanted to live to not put my kids through that. A few days prior I had my C&P exam to be reevaluated for my War Trauma, and its effects that its been having on my life. the effects the for 10 years only seem to compound each year. Art... art therapy is what is helping me keep my head above water.

Again, I drift away, but my Art therapist, listened to me talk about all that is and was going on in the last 2 to 3 weeks. All that was over whelming me and making me live at a constant 12 on a scale of 1-10.  And she asked me to make a pie... showing who and how I spend my time and day. What gets my attention and what doesn't. Its been a week, since that appointment. My kids are both sick, my husband might be getting what they are getting... and I dont sleep, just so I can have time for myself to process my day (s)..

Some days like today I stay in bed or go back to bed.. I know some will think I am lazy, but others, they will know.. They will understand the places that those unseen illness take you and how hard it is to get yourself to do just basic things.

My pie, hasnt been made, but my ideas are finally there. My plate.. my clock.. my day.. my calendar, all of it is... The things I spend my energy on, like my children, my pets, basic family errands, and appointments.. but the big thing is Advocating... for Veterans.

On the good days, I use my bad days to remind me that I am not the only one out there, experiencing all these things, but I can talk about it, and maybe that will help someone else get help or resources.

So that is why I started this blog, and gave it, its name. I hope that it will help me find ways to refill my cup and to share what it on my plate. Maybe... I can share my pie that I made to.

Indy Star- Women Write their war stories

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